(One year later. -The Editor)
From the Journal of Dean Winchester:
I don’t know where we’re going – I probably should have asked before I bought all my new gear. No big whoop, I’m sure it’ll all come in handy. I was hoping to chill out for another night or so; there’s this chick at the tavern that I’m pretty sure’s got a bit of a crush on me. Ahh, still got it. Just wish Sammy was here – it’s just not the same without him. Bitch.
Anyway. I hear everyone mumbling about some kind of wood forest and then werewolves. Damn. Those sons of bitches can really pack a punch. Luckily you kill them the same way you waste ‘em in our world. Made myself some silver bullets. Also got some, uh…adamantium? Ada…adamantine. Adamantine bullets. Whatever. They’re pretty nice, feel good in The Colt. This baby’s not as shocking over here in Golarion, but I’ll take it. It’s one of the only things I got left to remember…ah forget it.
So, let’s talk about werewolves. This wizard guy we picked up seems to know a fair amount about them. They got three forms, can be hit with silver, blah blah blah, natural vs. afflicted, more crap I don’t care about, and we can get cursed with lycanthropy if we get bit. So, don’t get bit. Doesn’t seem so hard. Wizard guy says this is only what he’s heard, that he’s never met one. Well, I’ve met one. Have I met one? It’s been awhile. They’re probably different here anyway. Everything else is.
Oh, ok. So we’re going through this Wild Wood. Sounds like some enchanted forest. Maybe we’ll meet Bambi in there. Ha. Aw man could I go for some venison. A big ol’ venison burger with extra ketchup and some French fries and top it all off with a big slice of apple pie.
Hula-hoop’s looking all excited and impatient. Guy gives me the creeps, honestly. But he’s good at what he does. All that money we got from saving that giant Chuckle monster and his Daddy was certainly spent in an interesting way. Hula-hoop decides to get a bunch of uh, what’d he call them, retainers. Retainers and entertainers to keep us busy on our way through the forest. I’m like, “Jesus man, you really need all these people?” But he doesn’t hear me. He’s busy trying to joke with the wizard guy (Pellius, I think his name is) about genies and wishcraft. While packing my crap I notice that Pellius isn’t too thrilled about that kind of talk and soon enough Hula-hoop’s left to himself and he just kind of sits there, mumbling to himself about how rich he must look. Phew. Wonder how the ladies feel about this guy.
A lot of talking goes on in this group. I’m all for buddy-buddy talking and what not, but we’ve got stuff to do and we’re just wasting daylight. Before we finally manage to get going I overhear Hula-hoop try to convince girl Thor (chick’s got a hammer, man! Her name’s Luna, but seriously, how can you not think of girl Thor when you look at her) to get a flag and a tabard. The flag would have our family crest on it, because that’s what we are now, some kind of family. The Winchester family. Black with some silver trim or something (there was a football team back in my world with those colors – buncha cheaters).
I don’t know who it is that finally gets our group moving, but soon I hear we’re off to Ask A Door Lodge. That’s probably not it, but that’s what I hear. So we’re looking at this forest and man, it’s pretty foreboding. Towering pine trees and lots of that green lichen stuff. We’re told to follow this Silent Path – apparently it winds its way through the wood and it’s ancient and magical and God what do I care. Let’s get to killing some stuff. Hula-hoop calls for our drivers to get going and I nearly choke on my own breath.
Get this. The drivers – the drivers of our caravan thing – are named Porkins and Skywalker. PORKINS. AND. SKYWALKER. I am nearly on my ass cracking up. I mean, what are the odds? Seriously. I really got to pull myself together quick, though. No one else seems to get the joke and I’m not about to make an ass of myself on this trip.
First few days nothing really happens – no one brought enough mead to have a good time – but this afternoon, phoo. This afternoon’s a doozy.
We’re walking through the forest and I hear this music. It sounds like it’s coming from some kind of stringed – a harp. Yeah, that’s what it is. Eddie sends his dog to go find out where it’s coming from, and we end up following him to a clearing with this gorgeous watchtower. Little bit off the path. It looks about 3 stories tall, with some of it missing. But man, was it beautiful. Hula-hoop puts his hand to his head and announces he’s gonna try and detect the thoughts of whoever’s playing the harp. Eddie tries to figure out if there’s any evil around, he can’t find nothing so we figure we’d just head around it.
But it sounds so beautiful. It’s like, you know that Whitesnake video with Tawny Kitaen on the car? Where she does the splits? It’s like that, but for your ears. Holy crap, dude. I have to get to the tower, so I just go for it. Looks like Pellius and the dog (with Eddie on it, which was funny considering Eddie wasn’t amused in the slightest) and Hula Hoop are heading for it too. Good, because I don’t want to experience this gorgeousness alone. What if it’s Tawny Kitaen playing that harp? Oh man. I’d pay to see that. Should probably get through all these spider webs first. Ugh. It’ll be worth it. Oh, it better be.
I hear Thorin come up next to me and see him pull out a flask of something from his pocket. I’m about to tear him a new one about hiding his good stuff when he tosses it in the air. It hits the back wall of the tower and explodes into fire. It looks pretty sweet. But I gotta keep heading into this tower. Something’s waiting for me.
I hear some rustling and some fighting behind us and girl Thor shouts something but it really doesn’t matter. After the fire dies down a little bit I see Thorin hop down this opening that goes under ground. Aw man, if he gets to Tawny before I do it’s gonna suck. I gotta get down there. Eddie shouts something and jumps off his dog and after the dog falls down the tunnel Eddie chases after it. Damn it.
I make my way down the tunnel. And then I see that the party’s already freaking started. Pellius is wrapped in some kind of sheet, and it leads back into this dark area where someone else is dancing. Aw man, it’s Tawny! I really should have brushed my teeth this morning. I don’t know where Hula-Hoop came from, but suddenly he’s heading towards Tawny with his arms outstretched and this stupid grin on his face. I think he’s gonna go hug her or something. And she looks pretty excited too, although I can’t really see her face. I have to get closer. Thorin moves pretty quickly as well and tries to get behind her, and I see her hug him. But…how can…her arms are…they’re not arms. She has like, more than two arms?
And then Eddie hits her. He hits her. Those aren’t arms. Those are…are those tentacles?
I can’t even. Dude. This thing. It – it wasn’t Tawny Kitaen. And Pellius wasn’t dancing in a blanket. He was…paralyzed. Wrapped in a web. And then the bitch shoots a web past Eddie. Guy misses it. Lucky. Hula-Hoop’s all wrapped up in her claws. Thorin’s in there too. I’m gonna have to do something about this. Oh, Sammy. I could really use your help.
Aw, man. What the hell is that? She’s got like this…she’s a worm, that’s all I can think of to describer her. Her? It? With a bug head and tentacles coming out of her boobs. And what she’s shooting webs out of? Well, I can tell you it looked more like what you…uh…well, it’s normally a pretty beautiful part of a woman. But she was no woman, man. Jesus. She – it – is pretty freaking gross.
Before I know it I’ve got the Colt in my hands. I already loaded it with some adamantine bullets and I shoot. Hits the bitch, and she cries out.
Then, holy shit – girl Thor shows up! She waves her super hammer and whacks the worm thing. Luckily everyone else seems to know this isn’t Tawny Kitaen anymore.
I don’t wanna waste my adamantine bullets, so I reload with the paper ones I made awhile back. There’s a lot of noise going around me. Hula-Hoop suddenly seems to be paying attention again and tries to cast a spell, but it fizzles away. That’s a little disheartening. But girl-Thor is here and she’ll help. Well, I mean, she tries right? But the worm grabs her, attacks her and she’s paralyzed. What now? All I can do is keep shooting. So I do. I hear Thorin and the dog come alive again and it looks like we’re back in business.
Hula-Hoop keeps attempting to help and I feel for the guy, but he just keeps getting paralyzed. But once girl-Thor revives she swings that gorgeous hammer and blasts the worm into oblivion. And man was it gross. Just a big ol’ mound of gross.
We’re all trying to get our shit together and Thorin starts asking Pellius about…nails? Pellius isn’t even free of his web yet, which he thoughtfully reminds us. But he doesn’t know. And I don’t either. This place gives me the creeps and I just want to get out of here. Thorin and Hula-Hoop look around for stuff for a little bit.
Then, ha. Get this. Hula-Hoop just floats on up through the opening, coughing and sputtering as he goes. There’s still fire up there. Well shit I didn’t think about how I was going to get back up out of this hell hole. But luckily while trying to figure out a way up we find a nice little bag of goodies. Some gold, a potion we gave to girl-Thor (it was a potion of heroism – who else would we give it to?), and a ring of featherfall. I’m not a big fan of magic, so I wasn’t all into that.
After all the fancy magic (H used some kind of “rod of extinguishing” to put of the fire), Thorin throws down a rope so us mere mortals can climb out of it. We decided to explore the rest of the tower, and start ripping up the webs and see if there’s anything around. Thorin tears up one of them and finds a mess of what I assume used to be a body – but it’s fairly liquefied. But he has a note – a bloody one, at that. It’s a reservation for Askanor Lodge (THAT’S what it was) for a man named Dravin.
The reservation’s for a few weeks ago. Interesting. What happened with this guy and what are we supposed to do with it? He doesn’t look like nobility, so why does he have a fancy reservation for the lodge…maybe when we get there we can ask around, show them the note. Figure some shit out.
All I know is, I could use some whiskey.
Dean Winchester, 30 Desnus 4712